The Week Ahead

Today I have a big meeting that I guess could go either way. I am optimistic that is will go well.  I want to spend a few minutes thinking about what I want out of the meeting.  Of course, I want show up well.  I want to seem professional, calm and collected.  If I am triggered, I want to take a few seconds to get past the trigger.  I also want to get my point across.  That point being that I want both sides to grow, to get something positive out of the meeting.  I want to clear the path and start fresh on both sides.  I want to take lessons learned and to implement them.  Again, I am optimistic that it will turn out well.  And if it doesn't, oh, well as long as I keep my promises to myself that is really all that matters.  I can deal with anything else.

The meeting was interesting.  I would say that it was successful and that goals that I wanted to achieve were indeed met.  But, there didn't seem to resolution that I could see.  Perhaps, I was just a step in the greater agenda.  I am not sure.

I want to add a flower to this post.  I chose this one because the individual flower isn't that special but when grouped together it becomes more than the individual.  I also like that there are a variety of stages to these flowers which in this case I want to represent the various stages that a team is in.  Some are just budding, some a full-fledged but each cluster works as a unit and the clusters support the whole.

Yes, I think this is a good image to represent how I feel about the tasks for this week.

On Being Thoughtful

I have been considering my own management style quite a bit recently.  I have also thought about what I have appreciated in others that have managed me.  For the most part, I have had very competent supervisors that I have been able to respect and in whose opinions I value.  With several supervisors I have been able to have conversations with them about the employees working under me.  These were not conversations about a problem that needed to be solved right then and there.  They were conversations about what strengths and weaknesses an employee has and how we can leverage those qualities to get the best performance.  It was also a conversation about good employees and how to provide them with enough growth opportunities. And when needed there was enough previous context, to speak productively about how manage difficult employees.
I haven't had this kind of conversation in a long time and I have missed it.  But it is only through reflections that I have come to realize that it has been missing.  When you have something for a long time, and something different comes along, you know it is different but it isn't always easy to tell exactly how it is different.
I have a lot of decisions to make in the near future.  Where to go, what to do.  How to get where I want to go.  Where is that I want to go? For a while now, I have been letting the status quo pile up around my ears.  I have been casting about, knowing that I have little interest in pursuing more responsible positions where I am.  If I remain for the next 6027 or so days (16 1/2 years) then work would simply have to become only a 40 hour a week proposition and fulfillment would have to come from some other sector in my life.  This is a challenge for me, because by nature, I have embraced my careers as a teacher and now as a librarian.  I wanted to be a great teacher and a fantastic librarian.  I truly want to be a very good manager.  I know that I have a lot of growth in this area--realistically who doesn't.   I have tried to make a difference where I can make a difference when I can make a difference.  I know that my community appreciates this and I think some of my supervisees do as well.
One thing I am willing to do.  I am willing to turn the mirror inward and I am willing to correct my behavior.  But I also realize now that in order to do that effectively I need to feel safe.  It is has been a long long time since I have felt safe.
Since safety is the second rung on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I need to work on establishing a safe environment.  I think it will be a long time before, the environment is safe here, so I need to use some of those positive qualities that I possess: an ability to stretch, a willingness to adapt and change, a strong positive sense of adventure, a willingness to take risks, monitor course and change tack as needed.  I have done it before, I can do it again.  This life is an adventure and when I think about adventure, I want to remember impromptu hike down into the Grand Canyon.  This was the adventure of a lifetime.  I did that! That was me that casually decided to go on a 12 mile in the Grand Canyon!

Making Changes

Over the past few months I have been taking a leadership development program.  This week is the end of the program and we need to do a 1 minute presentation distilling what we have taken from the training. A while back someone made the comment that "It is rough and tumble when you get to this [administrative] level."  I have mulled this over periodically and chewed on it some more this weekend.  How does all of this fit with me?
Over the past 3 years, I have gained 35 pounds.  For a while when I arrived in LA, my weight was stable but then it began to creep up and over the past year I have gained 15 pounds.  I am a stress eater, so the weight gain means that I am stressed.  To be a good leader, I need to address the stressors.  I need to think about what exactly is causing me stress and then work on remediating either my response to the stressors or the stressors themselves.
My questions is why does it have to be rough and tumble?  Why do I feel that it is rough and tumble now?  Why do I spend a large part of my day in fear that the other shoe will drop?  Why do I feel, that I need to sedate myself at the end of the day with cheese and pizza sauce?  This isn't who I want to be.  So it is time to turn the ship--now luxury size--and establish a course that will lead me to a better place.
For a while now, I have been tossing around pros and cons of where I am right now.  But the pros are not going to help, if I am at the core not satisfied.  Why should I settle for safe and secure when it is dismantling me piece by piece?  Here are my assets, I am adventurous, I am willing to take the bull by the horns, I am able to see my faults and I am willing to work on improving them.  It is up to me to find the place where I can grow.  It is up to me prepare myself to be in that place.  So from this day forward, I will work toward that goal.  I will explore all the different facets of what makes me in order to become a much better me. Get ready world, I am here.

This was me during my first year in grad school.

Dear Committee Members: A Novel

Several weeks ago, I was on the reference desk at another library when a reference call came through.  I don't exactly remember what the customers question was but she suggested that I read Dear Committee Members: A Novel by Julie Schumacher.  She thought it was the most hilarious book that she had read in years.  While on the phone, I requested the book and in about a week it arrived.  It is slim with a minimal cover depicting a porcupine walking off the front--we get to see is hindquarters and it appears that some of his quills are up.
Three days ago I opened the volume and started reading the various LORs (letters of recommendations) written by Jay Fitger, Professor of Creative Writing and English, Payne University.  Dr. Fitger or perhaps he is just a professor--but since he has tenure I am swinging toward Dr.--takes his creative writing very seriously.  The LORs for the most part are the ones that many a writer would like to share with the world but generally don't.  Through his candid often tangential letters we follow that his university's department is beleaguered and becoming marginalized for the sexier programs like Economics whose department's renovation has created any number of hazards for the neighboring English Department.  Jay has had various relationships that have ended badly--primarily due to his own bad behavior.  He is somewhat garrulous and eccentric but perhaps not quite to the degree of some of his colleagues.  And he making considerable if unsuccessful efforts in propping up his last graduate advisee who has lost all of his funding which means that he cannot finish his novel.
for the most part found the novel amusing but not necessarily as brilliant as the customer found it until I reached the last 10 pages.  The twist that concludes the novel is shocking and snaps the previous 180 pages into perspective; thus making the overall memorable.

In a Quandry

As I approach my 48th year, I am thinking about the future.  It is hard for someone like me to stay put.  And it is hard for someone like me to be satisfied with the status quo.  In a recent strengths finder assessment, I was labeled--Achiever.  Which means that I am always searching for the brass ring.  Always looking for what is next.  So, here is what I have got.  Try to go or try to stay--which is to say that both are an effort.
Why stay?  Well, simply put--right now is pretty good.  I am happy in my position, I love the community and the community is always giving positive feedback. So why mess up a good thing?  It's in my nature to challenge, to see the new, the different, the next thing, so on one level, I feel in a rut.  Why go? I don't know that I have anything more in my future here, and if it is offered, I am not sure that I want it.
I hate these mid-life quandaries.  If I stay, I have 16 1/2 years to having full medical coverage.  I might actually get to retire at something closer to 65 than never. Right now, I am 33% to that goal.  When I realized this, I felt like I was selling my soul for civil service security.  And to add to that I know that with my banked sick and vacation time, I have a pretty security time blanket to deal with any emergencies--family or personal that might come my way.  This is important for worse case scenario girl.  Really, really important.
But then I see things like--Director of Library Services in Cape Cod, State Librarian in Hawaii, etc.  Oh, to run my own show, to be challenged every day and energized by that challenge.  Oh, to shake up my world and get myself out of any ruts I might be in.  Stars in my eyes.  Sparkles and fireworks going off in my imagination.
Which way to go?  What to do?  If I log in to Facebook and play Bejeweled, then I can numb myself and pass the next 16 1/2 years. But really, I don't want to be numb.  Yep, that is right, I am an adrenaline junkie and I have Gypsy leanings.  I have met others in my tribe and many of them are in Hawaii--so I long to go back to my island home.  I was thinking yesterday, that Hawaii is the one place that has felt like home to me.  It was the first place that I chose to be and didn't just let serendipity move me there.  I baptized my stay the first night, when I cried wondering what in the world I had done, no job, no friends, limited fund--what had I done?  But then I stopped myself, bucked myself up and told myself it was going to be ok.  Within a week, I had a job, a car, a place to live, and an entire set of new life long friends.
Over the years, I found myself and I was given a new lease on life--literally.  The tenth anniversary of that horrible yet miraculous night is coming up.

So I can say that Hawaii is truly a magical place.   Maybe the magic is still there?  If I don't try, I won't know.

Leadership

I have been pondering how to inspire people to do better than they think that they can.  This is a tough one for me.  I have come to realize that when I think I am doing a horrible job, which is most of the time because my bar is apparently exceedingly high, other people think I am doing great job, different location of that bar.  When I see people who la-di-dah through work, I have a hard time first understanding it and then second, how to address it.
I can theoretically understand that not everyone is motivated to do the best job that they can and that their motivations lie else where, but in reality I have a hard time getting to it.  I even try to frame the situation with my own short comings--for example, my weight and falling off the ole diet wagon or not even the diet wagon but doing things that actively sabotage myself.  But somehow, I can't translate that.  Somehow, my parents managed to raise three workaholic kids.  We all take great pride in our work,  we all try to do our best with our abilities.  We may not always be the best but there is great effort there.
Managing the human resources is the hardest part of the job, trying to motivate people whose interests lie elsewhere than the job is equally challenging.  This is something that I struggle with.  I would love to be inspirational leader No. 1 but I don't know how to get there.  So I struggle one with what feels like blindfolded and try to mitigate some of my negative characteristics in the process.
Oh, if everyone were just like me.  But, I know that if it were so, then it would be a very sad world.

Fall Has Arrived

Today is the beginning of Fall--my favorite season.  The only problem is that it doesn't exactly feel like Fall outside.  It feels more like summer has returned after couple of days of respite from the heat.
I am hoping that we have a cool Fall this years, but I believe that it might just be a pipe dream.
Earlier this year in April, I went on a hike at Deukmejian with my Sunday morning hiking partner.  Usually we do a loop that for the most part is exposed but on the advise of my friend's partner we took an alternate trail in search of waterfalls that were still flowing after the winter run off.  On the trail, I spotted this feather and leaf.  For whatever reason, I am fascinated by ground litter.  Here, I was struck by the variety of colors, the band on the feather, the darker edges of the red leaf.  On this warm first day of fall, I conjured up this image of a memorable cool day.

 The day started with an early morning mist--something we call a marine layer here and we felt transported from Southern California. My hiking partner commented that she was reminded of growing up in upstate New York.  

 I was transfixed. Everything seemed lush, green and beautiful.  It was hard to believe that we are in the midst of a severe drought.  I loved how all the flowers were wearing droplets.  Here is flowering Yerba Santa.  I love Yerba Santa because its pale fuzzy leaves hold great curative powers.  And its delicate purple flowers add a pop of color to the landscape.

On the way back down the trail, we ran into this little guy.  I love to see rabbits just before Easter.     Way back when, either my first or second year at college, I saw a rabbit in the evening as I walked on Campus on Good Friday.  Since I had never seen a rabbit on the campus before or in fact since, I took it as a good omen.  Since then, I feel a certain sense of joy when I see rabbits around Easter.  And this guy just took his time posing, nibbling, posing--allowing me to get a couple of good shots.  It was magical.