Trying to Stay Engaged

I am a professional and I take great pride in providing quality service to my community.  But I am finding it challenging to remain engaged and this is frustrating.  Once again I have slammed up against the system and feel bruised.

I want to work in a system that values and trusts its professionals.  I want to work in a system where fear is not the first impulse and a place where professional development is encouraged and supported.  I want to work in a system that is dynamic and innovative and one that not only recognizes but celebrates the good service that the professionals are doing.

Several weeks ago, I spoke frankly with my new supervisor.  I took a risk and then yesterday, I discovered the consequences.  I had requested to attend a conference at the end of January on my own time.  There was a sale on airfare, so I quickly grabbed the last seat thinking there couldn't be a reason that I might be denied the opportunity for professional development.  Yesterday after a meeting, the supervisor took me into the hallway and expressed his extreme regrets that he could not send me to the conference.  The stated reason is that the staff really need my leadership at this time with the retirement of one, and the possible promotion of another.  The approved transfer that I have not yet seen, can not be in charge apparently because she will be new to this library but not in the system at that time.  Yes, I understand that the management has every right to refuse a vacation request.  Apparently it was refused because "it was for a conference."  If I had just put down travel--would it have been approved?

At any rate, I know now the consequences of taking risks in the current environment.

At the last full managers meeting, our leader indicated that they will be going outside to fill several newly created positions.  A fair number of people took away from our her comment that the system is looking outside because no one is qualified to be promoted to the newly created positions. I rarely attend conferences.  But I am striving to fill in the knowledge gaps and become a better leader. Meeting with peers, sitting through sessions and visiting vendors is one of the best ways that I can fill in those gaps and add to my leadership tools.
This is not the first time that my attempt at professional development has been thwarted.

Here was my first go:

I sent this last week, but haven't received a response.  Is it possible to obtain a letter of support for the Leadership Institute?  If not please let me know, so that I won't continue to wonder.

I just spoke with XXX;  she said that she will discuss with in the Executive Meeing on Monday 2/24/14.    You will get an answer after that, but don't get your hopes up because this may or may not be approved.   

At the time, I felt the above comment was just mean.  To be fair, I did get approval 8 days after the meeting it was to be discussed in, but there was no mentioned of the requested letter of support.  Almost a month had passed since the initial request, deadlines were approaching and I just didn't have the energy to pursue getting the require letter of support because I just didn't feel that the support was actually there.

Shortly after this both, one of my staff and I wanted to attend a nearby annual conference.  I submitted both of our names, but was told that only one of us could actually attend.  Of course, I want to give my staff all the opportunities that they can get so I forewent attending with the thought that I would go to midwinter conference.  Hmm...that thought stream did not work out so well.

Yes, yes, I know that I was approved to attend the in-hourse Leadership Training Program.  This was a valuable experience, however, we best develop when we also have outside perspectives and despite the willingness to outlay my own funds, the efforts have come to naught.